Elder cats give us the gift of time when no one else has any to spare. Like elder humans, they touch us with their fragility, wisdom, sweetness and comforting warmth. They curl up close by to be near us. They lay on us when we feel sick or depressed. Old cats ask for little in return, perhaps craving only a little more attention as the years pass. By example, they share basic lessons about life and death - that it is okay to slow down and smell the catnip, that we have no choice but to grow old too. Older cats teach us about inner listening and watching. They spend more hours sleeping. Some even believe they begin their journey with small trips to the other side when they sleep. In the end, senior cats teach us patience and courage, how to let go gracefully and finally, how to heal and begin again.

Angel Undercover

I'm in the balcony, watching the rain fall. Gandos is supposed to be sitting on the sofa with me but my mom and sis ambushed us and stole her, haha.

I haven't updated a proper entry for very long. Which is pretty weird considering the amount of free time I have. What have I been doing in my free time?

Well, Shah's left for Taiwan. I was too sleepy when he called me telling me he was leaving. It was only yesterday but I already miss him.

Life is tricky business. Everything about it is. I wish it was like in the movies and everything can be so uncomplicated. Even if it were complicated, you know there'd be a happy ending. And even if there wasn't a happy ending, you know that it's all fake and the actors go home happy with their big fat paychecks.

What are my plans for today? Initially I wanted to watch a movie but the weather's so cold and I don't have anyone to huddle up to in the cold cold cinema, haha. Which reminds me. I'm supposed to touch Adilah more. =)

Now I want to revamp my room. Move my study table into the balcony even though there's no privacy here.

Dreams last for so long, even after you're gone.
I know you love me and soon you will see -
You were meant for me...and I was meant for you

I hate the world today
You're so good to me
I know but I can't change
Tried to tell you but you look at me
like maybe I'm an angel underneath - innocent and sweet

Yesterday I cried
You must have been relieved to see the softer side
I can understand how you'd be so confused
I don't envy you
I'm a little bit of everything
all rolled into one

I'm a bitch, I'm a lover
I'm a child, I'm a mother
I'm a sinner, I'm a saint
I do not feel ashamed
I'm your hell, I'm your dream
I'm nothing in between
You know you wouldn't want it any other way

So take me as I am
This may mean you'll have to be a stronger man
Rest assured that when I start to make you nervous
and I'm going to extremes
tomorrow I will change
and today won't mean a thing

Just when you think you've got me figured out
the season's already changing
I think it's cool you do what you do
and don't try to save me

I'm a bitch, I'm a tease
I'm a goddess on my knees
when you hurt, when you suffer
I'm your angel undercover
I've been numbed, I'm revived
can't say I'm not alive
You know I wouldn't want it any other way

I don't know what to say.

Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life.
I'd rather be anything but ordinary, please.

Nope. Still don't know what to say.

I broke my fast with Shah and his classmates. They're so funnyy. Kept calling me Shakira. As in, they really called me Shakira with a straight face throughout the night.

I miss blading. Hmmm. When I stayed at Eunos, it was just a short ride to the beach. I want to blade again! Even though I cannot stop. And even though I usually fall. Haha..but I don't fall all the time!

The best time we bladed..was when Theresa and Zibs came along with us. We were supposed to blade for two hours but after several times of falling, someone decided to switch to cycling after just an hour. Haha. I think at that time I was fasting and I got carried away with all the fun and at the end of the two hours, I nearly died. It was only 5pm at that time, and really, it became my worst-fasting-day. Haha.

Oh Victoria, Victoria...

- Did you miss me while you were looking for yourself out there?

I want to stay up all night and just..I don't know..talk. I miss talking. I want to stay up late with a bag of chocolate, huddle close together and talk. Is it so hard to just talk?

Can you imagine no love, pride, deep-fried chicken, your best friend always sticking up for you - even when I know you're wrong. Can you imagine no first dance, freeze dried romance five-hour phone conversations, the best soy latte that you ever had . . . . and me.

I want to put the magic back in my life.

Then I see you standing there, wanting more from me and all I can do is try.

I really can't sort out what I'm feeling right now. I wish people would be more appreciative of me and people would stop judging me..

It's hard. But it's my decision and mine alone..and whatever I decide will have it's consequences.

Oh why can't I be a simple girl with a simple heart?

Haven't you heard that I'm going to be okay?

Just my Imagination.

There was a game we used to play
We would hit the town on friday night
And stay in bed until sunday
We used to be so free
We were living for the love we had and
Living not for reality

It was just my imagination
There was a time I used to pray
I have always kept my faith in love
It's the greatest thing from the man above
The game I used to play
I've always put my cards upon the table
Let it never be said that I'd be unstable

It was just my imagination
There is a game I like to play
I like to hit the town on friday night
And stay in bed until sunday
We'll always be this free
We will be living for the love we have
Living not for reality

It's not my imagination.

I still remember the time,
When this all felt like a dream.
So completely out of reach,
Frustrating.

We kept our nose to the grind,
Make the days turn into weeks.
Hoping time will heal the pain,
Of waiting.

Now it seems so long ago.

Just look back on,
How far we've come.
We've made it somehow,
Look where we are now.

All we've done,
Our battles won.
We've made it somehow,
Look where we are now.

I used to wonder if I,
Would ever have the chance to be,
Something more than what you see.
I doubt it.

We learned to open our eyes,
Now I both think we'd agree,
That we're better off than when we started.

There's still so much left to go..

Just look back on,
How far we've come.
We've made it somehow,
Look where we are now.

All we've done,
Our battles won.
We've made it somehow,
Look where we are now.

And the best is yet to come.
'cause our story isn't done.

I slept at 3am! Only to wake up at 5am to groggily eat then fall asleep again, lol. Tomorrow I won't do so groggily. I'll wake up, enjoy the company of my family members and loiter around downstairs [although I may think I'm full] before going upstairs to pray and then sleep. Hahah.

I don't think anyone really understands what I'm feeling about my life right now and it's best I just sort out the mess in my head myself. (:

Followed Shah to buy a webcam among other very gadget-y things at Funan just now. Can you believe it? I actually fell asleep at the place, haha.

Happy fasting, y'all. (:

Another day goes without any change
The feeling we live with still remains
We're stuck in a hole and we're searching for anything to hold on to
There has to be somewhere that we can be safe from the lives we live each day
There has to be somewhere that we can be far away...

We have to escape and I will go anywhere if you just lead the way
Escape to a place where we'll be together, together everyday
We have to escape....

We could be living how we wanted to
Instead of doing things we're forced to do
With no one to tell us that we should be going through, what they went through
There has to be some place that nobody knows, somewhere we can only go
There has to be some place that we can be all alone....

We have to escape...

Do you know, that everytime you're near,
Everybody else seems far away.
So can you come and make them disappear?
Make them disappear so we can stay.

We have to escape, and I will go anywhere - if you just lead the way. Escape to a place where we'll be together.

My entire room is in a mess. But I don't feel like cleaning it up. It matches the confusion going on in my head right now. Grrr. I feel so bleargh tonight. Endorphins! I need you!

I want you to want me. I need you to need me. I'd love for you to love me. I'm begging you to beg me.

I have to prepare my Philosophy paper, prepare for German test, prepare for Econs test. And that's only because I'm not very sure when the other two modules have their tests.

Hello, meet my kids - Disaster and Calamity.

------

I'll let you whip me if I misbehave.

Adilah + Zul + Lulu + Shaza + Shahrul + Great bbq food [I hope!] = Euphoria.

=)

It was so much fun playing all those silly little games with them. Shah and I have never really met each other's friends so now I see him in a different light. Hahah! [Freak-o.] And he and Zul got along really well! Adilah said they spoke in 'very mat language' to each other, haha. And both of them couldn't play the finger game! Lulu was new to the game as well but she did so much better than both of them. And we girls have difficulty naming countries! Hahah. Especially me and Adilah. Haha blonde jokes and poking fun at certain not-so-blonde people was funnehh as well.

The bbq was a very last minute thing. It was supposed to be just for my sister's friends but on Saturday morning, my mom herself was all psyched up for it so she told me to invite more - but not too many, of my friends as well. So I did. And I'm happy because these girls, I love them totally! The perfect group because I'm closest to them. They ended up leaving my place at midnight. Which worked out very well because I'm the only one with a curfew and since it was at my house, I didn't have a curfew! Haha!

My sister did most of the work. Kay, actually all the work, together with her friends who were very friendly. Her bandmates were strumming their guitars and the whole group was singing along, and they even did Chasing Cars! =) After that, the group moved into the balcony just outside my room and we spent the rest of our time there. =)

Before the entire night, I spent the day with Shah. Inititally we were at Funan, but I got bored. Hee hee, sorry I wasn't good company there! But it's okay, he was bored at Nine West too. Well to be honest, so was I. Haha but my goodness, I love the shoes. One day, I'll have a collection of them, just you wait and see. Haha [wishful thinking]. He got me a pair of couple rings and they look so perfect together. =) We look perfect together.

Ich liebe mein Freund, meine Freundinnen und Schwester! [Understand the last bit, Noreen?]

If I lay here, if I just lay here..would you lie with me and
forget the rest of the world?

We are born innocent
Believe me adia, we are still innocent
It's easy, we all falter, does it matter?
Believe me adia, we are still innocent

When I'm tense, sometimes I forget how to breathe.

Am tired but will fight on...

Five hour phone conversations..

I'm very behind on my readings. It's great to know that while I acknowledge that I'm behind, I can actually find time to go online! Oh well. They say acknowledgement is the first step..to whatever it is that next step is.

I suppose that by not understanding Philosophy, I'm on the right track? Because right now, Socrates has all me all muddled up.

German is taking up alot of my time! But the good thing about learning a language is - well, learning a new language. Deutsch macht viel spaB! But does it have to be so damn heavy? Thrice a week!

Ich liebe mein Freund. :0)

I'm in the balcony. Gandos is in front of me on the mat, messing it up, rolling over with it and biting it.

Chak!

I'm so lucky to have Shahrul.

Really, really am. I think because the past week, we talked alot about our 'history' - the time before we broke up, and meeting him last night made me realize how much he's grown to be a part of my life and how much he means to me. Really. I can't imagine my life without him. It's not that I'm dependant on him and neither is he on me. It's that..he complements me.

Tuition today was great. We ended late today, for the same reason as the previous sessions. She's such a darling to teach, really.

My mom, sis and aunt picked me up. Then we headed to Parkway! It's been ages since I went there.

And guess what? I cut my hair.

No more itchy fingers for the time being, huh? Lol.

When I'm down and feeling blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.

Today.

After the meeting, upon reaching Tanah Merah MRT station I realized I didn't want to go home and be alone. Not when I was already feeling lousy.

So I called Shaza. Lucky she was free. :) And lucky she wanted to meet up on such short notice.

We watched The Host. I just wanted to watch a movie, to relax, unwind and forget everything else for a moment. We talked alot too before the movie. I got everything that was bothering me out which made me feel alot better afterwards. :)

It was my first movie with her and we had the corner two seats in the cinema. So it was our first date! But hey, next time let's pick the couple seats, lol.

My friends are strong, amazing women.

It's been a strange few days. Been trying to keep up with my readings but they're coming at me fast! My heaviest module has got to be German. With two lectures weekly, it's almost as though I'm tackling two modules.

But hey, it's fun to immerse myself in school. What's even more fun is bumping into my friends [along the way making new friends] around school.

Despite all that, I just want him. I think right now I just want some quiet, peaceful time, away from the hustle and bustle of all things fun.

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Watched Ghost Game just now.

Don't watch it if you're a scaredy-cat. Like me. I think Shahrul likes watching horror flicks with me because I make him seem brave because I'm more scared than he is and I'll be sticking my fingers into my ears at the same time.

He also likes going to Pizza Hut with me because he gets four slices of pizza while I'm stuffed after two.

(:

I'm in lecture using Nurain's lappie! =D

This morning I woke up at 5.30am to be in school by 8am for my PS tutorial. At 9am, we realized the tutor had a conference and hadn't bothered to inform anyone of his absence. =P

I think Philosophy is my favourite lecture because it's so relaxed and even though I don't really understand the stuff [we were warned of that], I think it's hilarious. Especially the way Holbo [cute name, right!] presents the dialogues.

But hey, I better buck up. My previous recharging episode was marred by my falling sick. Tee hee!

And Adilah's beside me. [Her words.] Listening diligently. [Her words again.]

Shaza's at Swensens now! I like to kacau her, lol.